Today will be my first exam of my first year in the Child and Youth Care program. This is going to be the hardest. Even though it's an introduction to therapy theories, there are 11 of them.
Could I have studied more? Of course.
Am I an expert at all 11 of the theories? Not at all.
WIll I give up? No. I know what I know, the rest I don't. But no use cramming an hour before the exam.
I just can't wait to get this done. I don't feel like a failure right now, nor do I feel super confident like I got this in the bag. Kinda feeling... what's the word, indifferent?... Like, MEH. I"ll get it done and then I'll be done with it. Hopefully I won't have to revisit that class. Sure it's helpful as well as a bit overwhelming. But no use killing myself over it now...
Feels weird. This is my first exam after my year long hiatus from school. I didn't have one last semester, just papers and projects. We shall see what this will bring.
Moral of the story: don't procrastinate. Do your homework, readings and all. Have a study schedule, and stick to it, take yourself away from distractions. Finally, learn how you study best. I feel like I don't know how to study yet. In highschool you just memorize and regugitate what the teacher and textbook says most of the time. University, not so much.
Well, like I said, I will get this done and see what comes of it. I will hope for the best, but know that I will not pass with flying colors. Maybe paler, less vibrant colors. Uh, what happened to me? In my first year at college 2 years ago I was at the top of my Psychology class. Well people change. Here's to doing it different next time around. And after this I have 2 more exams to study more. Silly me, not learning from my mistakes... That ends now!
a meh-feeling Alexandra of course...
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
You think you know me but you have no idea...
Lately it's been boggling my mind how much I don't know a lot of people any more. This is especially true for people who I went to highschool and graduated with. So weird. It's funny how in highschool that was pretty much my life. School. Didn't really hang much with friends outside of school till grade 12, 11 maybe, a bit of 10? And sure I went to church, but that was only on Sundays and throughout highschool I had my falling out with doubts and stuff. So school was pretty much life. No wonder those years were sometimes so lonely and seemed like a waste. Still it's crazy how you can spend hours each day with people for how many years and yet not know them fully because it's only in one setting that you see them. And now I don't really know many of them at all.
It's funny, seems like a find a lot of things funny, but I remember my sister telling me in grade 11 how I won't hang with or know most of my friends after graduation. I told myself that would never be us. Yet to this day it's totally true. It makes you think about those who've really stuck around your life and the effort you put into the realtionships that matter most to you. Well that's my thinking. Here I am, living in a comfortable size of a city, not big at all, with most of my graduating classmates within a 45 minute drive. But do I make the effort? No. I guess we've just all accepted it. I hope there's no view of animosity in it or anything. That's just life. One of the other adult volunteers for the Youth ministry I'm part of says this quote a lot: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime..." And I believe this is true. Doesn't mean that the friendship has to end badly; sometimes (actually, a lot of them) they just end.
Wow, it will be three years since I graduated come this June. I'd like to think that I'm older and wiser, that I've changed and grown in character into a better person. And I believe I have. I'd like to think that others have this same observation of me as well. But I can see how after having seen eachother for so long, we can get stuck on viewing people as we last remember them. I know I get stuck there. But I can't do that. There's this person engaged, that girl making music, that guy moved away, this one no one even knows where they are at these days and so on. And even through my aim of being real and transparent, I know that I have my own secrets and other sides of my life that not everyone knows about. Nothing bad or anything. Just stuff that I'm less willing to share. Does this mean I'm two-faced? Am I living a lie? Maybe... Or maybe it just shows the truth that each relationship I have with different people are all unique and specific to their own norms and habbits. Still there are definitely some parts of me I wish I weren't as chicken to share, especially with my closer friends and family. I feel like I've hinted at things or even said it bluntly, but they don't hear me. Hmmm... I suppose a sit down and talk is a must.
No, I don't tell everyone my whole life. But for close friends and family I don't understand why I can't trust them with parts of me that I can share with strangers. That's a messed idea of trust. Am I just making this a bigger deal then it actually is? I'm thinking so. Uhh... You will see the lamest side of me yet. But since I'm putting it out there I'm not fully ashamed of it... except with those closest to me?...
I sound crazy. But it makes sense in my head. That doesn't help. But you don't really know me so that explains that...
Alexandra of course... O_0?
It's funny, seems like a find a lot of things funny, but I remember my sister telling me in grade 11 how I won't hang with or know most of my friends after graduation. I told myself that would never be us. Yet to this day it's totally true. It makes you think about those who've really stuck around your life and the effort you put into the realtionships that matter most to you. Well that's my thinking. Here I am, living in a comfortable size of a city, not big at all, with most of my graduating classmates within a 45 minute drive. But do I make the effort? No. I guess we've just all accepted it. I hope there's no view of animosity in it or anything. That's just life. One of the other adult volunteers for the Youth ministry I'm part of says this quote a lot: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime..." And I believe this is true. Doesn't mean that the friendship has to end badly; sometimes (actually, a lot of them) they just end.
Wow, it will be three years since I graduated come this June. I'd like to think that I'm older and wiser, that I've changed and grown in character into a better person. And I believe I have. I'd like to think that others have this same observation of me as well. But I can see how after having seen eachother for so long, we can get stuck on viewing people as we last remember them. I know I get stuck there. But I can't do that. There's this person engaged, that girl making music, that guy moved away, this one no one even knows where they are at these days and so on. And even through my aim of being real and transparent, I know that I have my own secrets and other sides of my life that not everyone knows about. Nothing bad or anything. Just stuff that I'm less willing to share. Does this mean I'm two-faced? Am I living a lie? Maybe... Or maybe it just shows the truth that each relationship I have with different people are all unique and specific to their own norms and habbits. Still there are definitely some parts of me I wish I weren't as chicken to share, especially with my closer friends and family. I feel like I've hinted at things or even said it bluntly, but they don't hear me. Hmmm... I suppose a sit down and talk is a must.
No, I don't tell everyone my whole life. But for close friends and family I don't understand why I can't trust them with parts of me that I can share with strangers. That's a messed idea of trust. Am I just making this a bigger deal then it actually is? I'm thinking so. Uhh... You will see the lamest side of me yet. But since I'm putting it out there I'm not fully ashamed of it... except with those closest to me?...
I sound crazy. But it makes sense in my head. That doesn't help. But you don't really know me so that explains that...
Alexandra of course... O_0?
Monday, March 15, 2010
Daylight Savings: you're not my favorite...
So usually I have nothing to say about Daylight Savings besides how I could feel that one hour gone. Turning our clocks forward this last Saturday was a little different.
I had gone to sleep a little later than intended. My mind was going haywire when it should have been shutting down for sleep. I wrote an entry on here, yes another long winded, deep one, but that still didn't get all the junk outta my head that was preventing me from sleep. Nevertheless, I still tried to catch some Z's, especially since Cheaky was sleeping on my room and I didn't want to wake her up with my laptop light from Facebooking or checking out YouTube. Yes, that's what I do to waste time, besides trying to finish a Jane Austen book.
So there I was pretty much waiting to go to sleep. And of course that never works. Around 1:30 while I was still lying there waiting for sleep, Cheakers was having a bad dream and started wimpering. I swear, it's like children go through a phase of having bad dreams and wake up screaming. But she settled down and woke up to go to the bathroom.
Another half hour goes. I'm still waiting. My brain continued to not shut down. Then at around 2AM with Daylight Savings in effect Cheakers get's up and stops just outside my door. I start hearing this noise, like water was being poured out onto the carpet. Crap. That's not good. I waited till she was done.
"Awwhhh, Cheaky, did you puke?"
I knew it when I heard it. And there it was. A lovely pile of chunky pink stuff. I must say I was impressed at first. I didn't think a little girl that size could could throw up that much. And it was pink! But then I see realized the reality. I had to clean that up. I could have easily woken up my mom. Or not easily, but that would have been the bratty thing to do. Instead I made sure Cheakers finished up in the toilet, was good. She was brave. She got it done then went back to sleep. I would have cried for my mom.
Next to do was to clean it up. Especially being next to my door I wanted to do it well. And there it was. A pile of a cheeseburger Happy Meal with frutopia of course. I'm assuming that gave it the color. Of course I couldn't just use my ShamWow to soak it all up. It was pretty chunky. So what else to use besides a bowl and a wooden spoon? Yup that's how I got 'er done. I must say, this process almost ended up with me contributing some of my own dinner to Cheaky's lovely pile. But I prevailed. And after flushing that stuff down the toilet I had the various nice-smelling cleaners to block most of the acidic smell while scrubbing the carpet.
By the time I was done scrubbing, the pink stuff was gone and my carpet stunk of cleaning solution and badly needed some air drying. So I left to to that and went to bed. The eventful morning event had done the job and I was overall done for the day. Of course it was quarter to 4AM by the time I was done. I couldn't help but end my day with an update to Facebook:
I had gone to sleep a little later than intended. My mind was going haywire when it should have been shutting down for sleep. I wrote an entry on here, yes another long winded, deep one, but that still didn't get all the junk outta my head that was preventing me from sleep. Nevertheless, I still tried to catch some Z's, especially since Cheaky was sleeping on my room and I didn't want to wake her up with my laptop light from Facebooking or checking out YouTube. Yes, that's what I do to waste time, besides trying to finish a Jane Austen book.
So there I was pretty much waiting to go to sleep. And of course that never works. Around 1:30 while I was still lying there waiting for sleep, Cheakers was having a bad dream and started wimpering. I swear, it's like children go through a phase of having bad dreams and wake up screaming. But she settled down and woke up to go to the bathroom.
Another half hour goes. I'm still waiting. My brain continued to not shut down. Then at around 2AM with Daylight Savings in effect Cheakers get's up and stops just outside my door. I start hearing this noise, like water was being poured out onto the carpet. Crap. That's not good. I waited till she was done.
"Awwhhh, Cheaky, did you puke?"
I knew it when I heard it. And there it was. A lovely pile of chunky pink stuff. I must say I was impressed at first. I didn't think a little girl that size could could throw up that much. And it was pink! But then I see realized the reality. I had to clean that up. I could have easily woken up my mom. Or not easily, but that would have been the bratty thing to do. Instead I made sure Cheakers finished up in the toilet, was good. She was brave. She got it done then went back to sleep. I would have cried for my mom.
Next to do was to clean it up. Especially being next to my door I wanted to do it well. And there it was. A pile of a cheeseburger Happy Meal with frutopia of course. I'm assuming that gave it the color. Of course I couldn't just use my ShamWow to soak it all up. It was pretty chunky. So what else to use besides a bowl and a wooden spoon? Yup that's how I got 'er done. I must say, this process almost ended up with me contributing some of my own dinner to Cheaky's lovely pile. But I prevailed. And after flushing that stuff down the toilet I had the various nice-smelling cleaners to block most of the acidic smell while scrubbing the carpet.
By the time I was done scrubbing, the pink stuff was gone and my carpet stunk of cleaning solution and badly needed some air drying. So I left to to that and went to bed. The eventful morning event had done the job and I was overall done for the day. Of course it was quarter to 4AM by the time I was done. I couldn't help but end my day with an update to Facebook:
Alexandra P...Test #167: how to deal with a puking child and their chunky pink puke at 2AM when daylight savings is in effect. The answer does not include waking Mom up or a shamwow. It requires a bowl, spoon, goodsmelling cleaning spray, lots of scrubbing and new pj pants *Note: you do NOT want to see pink on the carpet in the morning
Daylight Savings, you're a punk. But I guess all in all we're the ones who made you and in the end it makes for an interesting story... Oh and I guess McDonald's should be avoided at all times.
Alexandra of course...
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Playing the game of Life...
Tonight I babysat, well more so hung out with a 6 year old. An awesome 6 year old by the way. She brought me an apple pie from McD's (hadn't had one in forever) as well as the game of Life. Of course we played the game after our pie and with Jukebox Oldie's playing in the background. Ahh the good old days, well beyond my time...
It's been a while since I played Life (no pun or deep meaning intended, but on second thought...). So it was a game that took longer than it could since I was actually reading the instructions as we went along. Hey, if you're gonna play, you play it fair... unless it's not that kinda game... but most games have rules right?
So we played the game, put our pink ppl in the driving seat in their cars, hers on the left, mine on the right (my game self lived in England...), and off we went. Naturally we both advocated for the advantage of college, or more so she demanded it be the route we take, and I couldn't refuse education. And there we were playing life.
It's kind of scary how we are socialized to think certain things, like what a normal life is. We, or I can see how I sometimes get hung up on rules or systems; like go to school, finish school, get a job in some sort of successful career field, make the moneys (yes, moneys), get married, buy a house (no living with parents when married! that is one of my goals), babies!, move, career change? (mid-life crisis?), pay for children as they start life, get ready for retirement, then retire. Well that's what I learn from the game. And I'm not gonna lie, I like systems when I see thier use. I have this system with our plates and bowls in the cupboards, it annoys me to see it messed with. But sometimes we do need to throw the instruction manual out the window, especially if they're written by other people who don't see or know all the different paths of life there actually are.
But I can get hung up on rules and expectations. I didn't have babies in the game. I didn't land on any "it's a boy" or "it's a girl". And I noticed it right away. Cheekers told me it was okay, there were lots of spaces and chances to get a baby, they were just spread out. But later on I realized that I was near retiring. I have to say, I worked up myself more than I should of about not having children. But Cheekers didn't have any too. "Ah well," she said. "It's not real life."
No it is not. But that got me thinking. We do have these ideals of how our lives will turn out, how we want or expect them to. Whether they're learned from society or family I think to some degree we all have them. But life's a mystery, a surprise. You never know what can become of it till... well, it actually happens.
I think of one of my aunties who's single. I love my Auntie, she's awesome. She used to live with us and taught me how to make some awesome banana bread (which I've forgotten, lame point) and she's one of the best cooks/bakers I know. I remember her making a home made pizza once from scratch, crust and all, and it was kick butt. She has the most genuine laugh ever and does not hold back when she finds something funny. I love her for that.
These past few years I've been able to have more grown up talks with her which I love and make me appreciate her more. She lives life as full as she can and yes, she's single. She doesn't let that hold her back in any way. She still fills her life with people she loves and who love her back. She's a fighter, oh boy, listening to her stories of when she used to work in McDonald's after she immigrated here just make me laugh. I love that about her. Yes, I love my Auntie. This is where I would insert a smiley face.
And so, realizing how I do have these expectations of life, I do realize that I can't contain my life in these boxes till the next one comes around. My childhood friend (wow, we can actually call eachother that) gave me this quote to put on my wall that says "color outside the lines". And its true, I need that reminder sometimes. That's one thing I strive for. To be who I am, not different for the sake of being different, but to genuinely be me, not conforming to other's ideals. Oh Life, how you bring such mystery and learning. I like it, most of the time, eventually...
Alexandra of course...
It's been a while since I played Life (no pun or deep meaning intended, but on second thought...). So it was a game that took longer than it could since I was actually reading the instructions as we went along. Hey, if you're gonna play, you play it fair... unless it's not that kinda game... but most games have rules right?
So we played the game, put our pink ppl in the driving seat in their cars, hers on the left, mine on the right (my game self lived in England...), and off we went. Naturally we both advocated for the advantage of college, or more so she demanded it be the route we take, and I couldn't refuse education. And there we were playing life.
It's kind of scary how we are socialized to think certain things, like what a normal life is. We, or I can see how I sometimes get hung up on rules or systems; like go to school, finish school, get a job in some sort of successful career field, make the moneys (yes, moneys), get married, buy a house (no living with parents when married! that is one of my goals), babies!, move, career change? (mid-life crisis?), pay for children as they start life, get ready for retirement, then retire. Well that's what I learn from the game. And I'm not gonna lie, I like systems when I see thier use. I have this system with our plates and bowls in the cupboards, it annoys me to see it messed with. But sometimes we do need to throw the instruction manual out the window, especially if they're written by other people who don't see or know all the different paths of life there actually are.
But I can get hung up on rules and expectations. I didn't have babies in the game. I didn't land on any "it's a boy" or "it's a girl". And I noticed it right away. Cheekers told me it was okay, there were lots of spaces and chances to get a baby, they were just spread out. But later on I realized that I was near retiring. I have to say, I worked up myself more than I should of about not having children. But Cheekers didn't have any too. "Ah well," she said. "It's not real life."
No it is not. But that got me thinking. We do have these ideals of how our lives will turn out, how we want or expect them to. Whether they're learned from society or family I think to some degree we all have them. But life's a mystery, a surprise. You never know what can become of it till... well, it actually happens.
I think of one of my aunties who's single. I love my Auntie, she's awesome. She used to live with us and taught me how to make some awesome banana bread (which I've forgotten, lame point) and she's one of the best cooks/bakers I know. I remember her making a home made pizza once from scratch, crust and all, and it was kick butt. She has the most genuine laugh ever and does not hold back when she finds something funny. I love her for that.
These past few years I've been able to have more grown up talks with her which I love and make me appreciate her more. She lives life as full as she can and yes, she's single. She doesn't let that hold her back in any way. She still fills her life with people she loves and who love her back. She's a fighter, oh boy, listening to her stories of when she used to work in McDonald's after she immigrated here just make me laugh. I love that about her. Yes, I love my Auntie. This is where I would insert a smiley face.
And so, realizing how I do have these expectations of life, I do realize that I can't contain my life in these boxes till the next one comes around. My childhood friend (wow, we can actually call eachother that) gave me this quote to put on my wall that says "color outside the lines". And its true, I need that reminder sometimes. That's one thing I strive for. To be who I am, not different for the sake of being different, but to genuinely be me, not conforming to other's ideals. Oh Life, how you bring such mystery and learning. I like it, most of the time, eventually...
Alexandra of course...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Dear Diary: Sad stories break my Heart. But happy endings are possible... Right?
Learning about storming and self-awareness in school I've realized that I'm one to run away from conflict. That goes literally sometimes. Examples? Okay, if I must. Take two Saturdays ago. My parents have a had a Bible study going since I was in school probably. It's international, which pretty much means anyone who is interested is welcome to come, so we've had lots of people from such different backgrounds and life history come into our home. I used to take it for granted and I can still be a brat about it now, especially, when I see the toilet seat up in MY bathroom... But I do see the value in it all.
Back to the point. I find that some people who come need fellowship, badly, more so they need someone to hear their story, like their overall life story and where they've come from. And man, have they been places and experienced things in their lives. It amazes me to see where they are from where they've been. This one night a lady was talking to us about her life. I don't know if it's just my fear of love and marriage and broken love and broken marriage, but her story was heart breaking. She spoke of how she was swooped off her feet by some charming boy at the young age of 16. A year later she was still with him and they married as he graduated, while she was too young to and therefore didn't finish her highschool education. In the end he ended up being a cheater, a womanizer and they divorced 20 years later with some children in the mix. She claimed he had stolen her best years, and how her children's view on her were hurt as well which had contributed to her struggle with depression in the past.
She went on about the disfunctions and hurt about her past life. I honestly couldn't take more. It was too real, too heart breaking to hear her tell her story all laid out infront of me by her personally. She wasn't crying because she had accepted it and dealt with it all long ago, but I was about to. I excused myself and went to my room for the rest of the night.
How rude! I know! But call me an idealist, I believe in eventual happy endings. Lately I've been hearing stories that are so sad. Is it wrong to hope for better? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? I think not. Their stories aren't done yet. And they have survived so far, I don't believe their past has to define where they're going or affect who they are today unless they let it. But still. So sad.
Another reality check. My dad has is in this ministry where he visits sailors at our city's port and share the Gospel with them. It's pretty amazing, and he can relate since he came out of the Philippines with that job. It's amazing the stuff you learn about your parents if you just ask, or even listen sometimes. But yes.
These guys leave their families and loved ones for weeks on end, sometimes even months, for their jobs. It broke my heart a bit to think that this one guy who was a classmate of my Dad's back in sailor school (?) still does the job to this day leaving his family every time. I'm no seaman or anything, but I'm sure they run into some rough waters. My heart saddened a bit too, seeing these guys in our living room on their huge laptops skyping with their families or on phones, or waiting to use our phone to talk a bit with anyone back home. That's when I know there is some use to technology, besides wasting endless hours with all its various forms. Still, I see this sort of job like a waiting game, but it's constant and all the time. You're either waiting to get back home, or when home essentially waiting till it's time to go back to sea. I don't know if I could stand that as a wife. And here I thought it was pretty tough when my Dad would have shifts that lasted a week or two when he worked the Prince Rupert- Upper Island route. I need to remember to count my many blessings. Or at least start thinking about them when I feel down.
So what's to learn from all this?
1: I don't like conflict including sad stories. I guess it just reminds me that hey, it can happen to anybody, even me.
2: I have to stop using these stories as an excuse to not live life or give people chances. Yes, there are crappy people out there, but there are also amazing people out there. In the end both can affect my life for the better through lessons learned from experiences and relationships gained. The past does not have to define ANYONE.
3: I need to hear, even seek out, people's stories. You never know what sort of life lessons, hardships, horrors, redemption and healing people have gone through unless you ask and listen. Not just to hear that they are saying words, but listen to and understand the meaning that their words hold.
I know this world has lots of suckiness in it. Terrible word. Still, I believe in the end there is hope. And that hope should out-weigh the suckiness in this place called Earth. What do we do? We start living it. So you want to change the world? What are you waiting for? It starts with one voice, one life. Will that be you?
Back to the point. I find that some people who come need fellowship, badly, more so they need someone to hear their story, like their overall life story and where they've come from. And man, have they been places and experienced things in their lives. It amazes me to see where they are from where they've been. This one night a lady was talking to us about her life. I don't know if it's just my fear of love and marriage and broken love and broken marriage, but her story was heart breaking. She spoke of how she was swooped off her feet by some charming boy at the young age of 16. A year later she was still with him and they married as he graduated, while she was too young to and therefore didn't finish her highschool education. In the end he ended up being a cheater, a womanizer and they divorced 20 years later with some children in the mix. She claimed he had stolen her best years, and how her children's view on her were hurt as well which had contributed to her struggle with depression in the past.
She went on about the disfunctions and hurt about her past life. I honestly couldn't take more. It was too real, too heart breaking to hear her tell her story all laid out infront of me by her personally. She wasn't crying because she had accepted it and dealt with it all long ago, but I was about to. I excused myself and went to my room for the rest of the night.
How rude! I know! But call me an idealist, I believe in eventual happy endings. Lately I've been hearing stories that are so sad. Is it wrong to hope for better? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? I think not. Their stories aren't done yet. And they have survived so far, I don't believe their past has to define where they're going or affect who they are today unless they let it. But still. So sad.
Another reality check. My dad has is in this ministry where he visits sailors at our city's port and share the Gospel with them. It's pretty amazing, and he can relate since he came out of the Philippines with that job. It's amazing the stuff you learn about your parents if you just ask, or even listen sometimes. But yes.
These guys leave their families and loved ones for weeks on end, sometimes even months, for their jobs. It broke my heart a bit to think that this one guy who was a classmate of my Dad's back in sailor school (?) still does the job to this day leaving his family every time. I'm no seaman or anything, but I'm sure they run into some rough waters. My heart saddened a bit too, seeing these guys in our living room on their huge laptops skyping with their families or on phones, or waiting to use our phone to talk a bit with anyone back home. That's when I know there is some use to technology, besides wasting endless hours with all its various forms. Still, I see this sort of job like a waiting game, but it's constant and all the time. You're either waiting to get back home, or when home essentially waiting till it's time to go back to sea. I don't know if I could stand that as a wife. And here I thought it was pretty tough when my Dad would have shifts that lasted a week or two when he worked the Prince Rupert- Upper Island route. I need to remember to count my many blessings. Or at least start thinking about them when I feel down.
So what's to learn from all this?
1: I don't like conflict including sad stories. I guess it just reminds me that hey, it can happen to anybody, even me.
2: I have to stop using these stories as an excuse to not live life or give people chances. Yes, there are crappy people out there, but there are also amazing people out there. In the end both can affect my life for the better through lessons learned from experiences and relationships gained. The past does not have to define ANYONE.
3: I need to hear, even seek out, people's stories. You never know what sort of life lessons, hardships, horrors, redemption and healing people have gone through unless you ask and listen. Not just to hear that they are saying words, but listen to and understand the meaning that their words hold.
I know this world has lots of suckiness in it. Terrible word. Still, I believe in the end there is hope. And that hope should out-weigh the suckiness in this place called Earth. What do we do? We start living it. So you want to change the world? What are you waiting for? It starts with one voice, one life. Will that be you?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it lasts forever, Friendship never ends
Thank you Spice Girls. Though I don't fully get your lyrics, I like the importance of friends expressed through them...
Yes, I steal all my lines from music and movies. There is no other way for my words to make sense. I especially like quoting from She's the Man. It's just fun and something I started with my sister. Oh Moesha, though we are 8 years apart at times it doens't feel like it... haha.
Speaking of people I love, I love my friends. Yes, I do. I don't believe in having only shallow friendship, though those will come and go. So I'm pretty happy that I have some deeply routed friendships. Yes, I have people who I wouldn't drop out of my life any time soon by choice, and conversely I'd have a broken heart if they'd one day stop taking my tiring lameness and cut me out of their lives. SO DON'T DO IT EVER!
Wow, that was intense. But I don't see it coming any time soon. I'm slowly realizing that I'm the weird friend. I can be pretty lame at times with my many attempts to be trendy and failing, I'm pretty dependent ( My Mom just asked my friend behind my back today if she could give me a ride tomorrow. So highschool!) and it goes on yea. I keep on taking out my fake man-glasses and sit in the passenger seat. And yet they all still love me. If not, well they're good at lying then and have stuck around so long for nothing. But since they stick around I believe they're getting something from me, right? Relationships no matter the kind are two way, they must be or else they fail.
Now don't get me wrong, I do appreciate and am thankful for friends of the past. I've had a journal (or diary turned journal) since ever and I've kept some memories of people I don't know any more. But in that time and moment they were my friends and I learned something from them that I still carry today. So they have affected my life. And of course I have people in my life now, that will possibly, most likely due to life leave me and I may never see again. But for now they are here and I am thankful for them.
Still I believe in having friends who will be there forever. Some friends you just know. But that doesn't mean you take them for granted. I think that's the worst thing you can do to those good friendships. I've done it, but I don't intend to anymore. Yes, when I was in highschool I attempted to be hardcore and make friends with the new girl with the bad attitude while abandoning my friends. In short I learned how to swear, became angry at life, hated church and had almost no relationship with Jesus besides a bitter one, listened to music I have little tolerance for today and had no friends. I was angry and alone. When I finally was tired of that I cut the act and went back to my real friends. They took me like nothing had happened. And since then I believe we've come so much closer, and I am so thankful they took me back after being a jerk.
I spent a few days of my reading break with these friends from highschool. I wrote in my journal how I hoped it would be good. Not like old times, but new and better times. And it was. We've grown-up, made decisions in life and are different from those days. But that's inevitable. Some of them are done school and have jobs, careers, and yet they took the time to spend a few days for us to be together and be as silly or serious as we wanted. Oh and we a had a good balance of both.
While away and having such a good time with them I couldn't help but be reminded of the verse that says "every good and perfect gift comes from above.." James 1:17 I just found out. It blows my mind how the God of heaven, the Father of lights, creator of the universe loves me so much that He made this beautiful place called Earth for me to live in, providing beautiful Canadian West Coast for me to look out, and placing amazing people in my life to show me some degree of this love. And oh boy, how I am loved. So today, yes, I am thankful for friends. Friends from school, those who've I've had a long history with, those who I am just starting to get to know better, those who I've grown up with, those who I've lost contact with in the past and who I've created new improved relationships with, and those who know my secrets. I don't believe I have to see my friends every day. I just know that with my close friends I've had experiences with them that have shaped who I am today and they are the people who know me best. And with that I end on a musical note with lyrics from Wicked- For Good:
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good...
To my friends, I hope you know that I love you all so much. I'm excited for what the future has for us. Can't wait for those tupperware parties!
Alexandra of course....
p.s. go check out the song For Good- from Wicked the musical. It makes me weep in a good way. It is one of my ultimate friend songs... XD
Yes, I steal all my lines from music and movies. There is no other way for my words to make sense. I especially like quoting from She's the Man. It's just fun and something I started with my sister. Oh Moesha, though we are 8 years apart at times it doens't feel like it... haha.
Speaking of people I love, I love my friends. Yes, I do. I don't believe in having only shallow friendship, though those will come and go. So I'm pretty happy that I have some deeply routed friendships. Yes, I have people who I wouldn't drop out of my life any time soon by choice, and conversely I'd have a broken heart if they'd one day stop taking my tiring lameness and cut me out of their lives. SO DON'T DO IT EVER!
Wow, that was intense. But I don't see it coming any time soon. I'm slowly realizing that I'm the weird friend. I can be pretty lame at times with my many attempts to be trendy and failing, I'm pretty dependent ( My Mom just asked my friend behind my back today if she could give me a ride tomorrow. So highschool!) and it goes on yea. I keep on taking out my fake man-glasses and sit in the passenger seat. And yet they all still love me. If not, well they're good at lying then and have stuck around so long for nothing. But since they stick around I believe they're getting something from me, right? Relationships no matter the kind are two way, they must be or else they fail.
Now don't get me wrong, I do appreciate and am thankful for friends of the past. I've had a journal (or diary turned journal) since ever and I've kept some memories of people I don't know any more. But in that time and moment they were my friends and I learned something from them that I still carry today. So they have affected my life. And of course I have people in my life now, that will possibly, most likely due to life leave me and I may never see again. But for now they are here and I am thankful for them.
Still I believe in having friends who will be there forever. Some friends you just know. But that doesn't mean you take them for granted. I think that's the worst thing you can do to those good friendships. I've done it, but I don't intend to anymore. Yes, when I was in highschool I attempted to be hardcore and make friends with the new girl with the bad attitude while abandoning my friends. In short I learned how to swear, became angry at life, hated church and had almost no relationship with Jesus besides a bitter one, listened to music I have little tolerance for today and had no friends. I was angry and alone. When I finally was tired of that I cut the act and went back to my real friends. They took me like nothing had happened. And since then I believe we've come so much closer, and I am so thankful they took me back after being a jerk.
I spent a few days of my reading break with these friends from highschool. I wrote in my journal how I hoped it would be good. Not like old times, but new and better times. And it was. We've grown-up, made decisions in life and are different from those days. But that's inevitable. Some of them are done school and have jobs, careers, and yet they took the time to spend a few days for us to be together and be as silly or serious as we wanted. Oh and we a had a good balance of both.
While away and having such a good time with them I couldn't help but be reminded of the verse that says "every good and perfect gift comes from above.." James 1:17 I just found out. It blows my mind how the God of heaven, the Father of lights, creator of the universe loves me so much that He made this beautiful place called Earth for me to live in, providing beautiful Canadian West Coast for me to look out, and placing amazing people in my life to show me some degree of this love. And oh boy, how I am loved. So today, yes, I am thankful for friends. Friends from school, those who've I've had a long history with, those who I am just starting to get to know better, those who I've grown up with, those who I've lost contact with in the past and who I've created new improved relationships with, and those who know my secrets. I don't believe I have to see my friends every day. I just know that with my close friends I've had experiences with them that have shaped who I am today and they are the people who know me best. And with that I end on a musical note with lyrics from Wicked- For Good:
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good...
To my friends, I hope you know that I love you all so much. I'm excited for what the future has for us. Can't wait for those tupperware parties!
Alexandra of course....
p.s. go check out the song For Good- from Wicked the musical. It makes me weep in a good way. It is one of my ultimate friend songs... XD
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Will You Be There - Helping Haiti (Boyce Avenue cover)
In my last blog I talked about changing the world and one way is giving to Haiti, which we all know has faced some harsh devestation in the last few weeks. I wanted to post this but didn't know how. And now I do. Enjoy the song, I think they did a beautiful rendition, along with some touching photos of those in Haiti. The texting numbers are there and different ways to give... Just watch it.
Boyce Avenue has a special place in my heart. They're one of the reasons why I got hooked onto Youtube, and they're first out of country tour was in the Philippines! Enough said. Check them out.
Again, if you can, give. Every little bit helps. Lets not forget the need over there just because we don't have to see the aftermath daily. Truth is they are living in it. We are super blessed her in North America, or wherever you are. The way I see it, I don't deserve this life anymore than the next person. So lets share the wealth.
Alexandra of course...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Pet peeves and changing the world...
One thing I'm starting to enjoy about being in the Human Services department is learning about myself and how certain things affect my interactions with others. Being in the Child and Youth Care program self-reflection is big part of my assignments. Although it may seem lame and for pansies, yes I used that word, it really does make me more aware of myself and how my thoughts affect my life and therefore others.
Today for example I realized that one of my pet peeves are scratchy, phlegmy voices. My family is going through another basic flu or something and their voices can annoy me at times. Uhh it makes me just want to take over their body so I can clear their throat for them. I hear that's bad for you voice, but spit it out already! I now understand the saying "frog in your throat". Ew. So don't talk to me if your voice is like that... Please.
Although I do enjoy learning stuff about myself, self-reflection is not all fine and dandy. You know the famous quote Uncle Ben told Peter Parker in Spider-man "with great power comes great responsibility"? Well I think it's the same kind of idea with self-reflection. It's one thing to realize the things you struggle with and want to change in your life, it's another thing to actually live it.
There's a song by Ingrid Michealson that touches on this. I really like her voice and the repetition of her choruses, and there's this one song in particular that gets me called "Keep breathing". Some of the lines get me however, and it's sad because I know it's true for myself.
In essence the song:
The storm is calming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world, instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
The youth ministry that I volunteer at has been coming up with these shirts for the past year and a bit. Their main quote is "because I believe the change must begin with me". I have both of the shirts we've come out with and I wear them pretty frequently. Unfortunatly I've forgotten what that quote means, what it stands for and I've found that they've just become other t-shirts in my wardrobe, instead of being reminders of why and how I should live my life. That's pretty lame.
The thing about change is that it's not easy, you have to do something to get there. You can't just stay in your comfort zone and be stuck where you are. From dictionary.com:
"To CHANGE is to make a material difference so that the thing is distinctly different from what it was." I want this to be my standard. To live a life that's different from what mass media and culture says it should be "because I believe the change must begin with me".
But the majority of the time we fail at this. I hate how people say one thing, and live another. One of my professors refered to this as a dissonance in philosophy and practice (life), how they don't connect when they really should. His example was in the Human Services field. He spoke of how it didn't make sense if we as students were studying to become drug and alcohol advisors for youth while we were getting hammered on the weekends ourselves. That spoke to me. But lately it's been challenging me as well. Doing nothing about the things I believe or see as wrong in the world is just as bad. Having certain standards in faith and beliefs while living a life that doesn't reflect them is wrong itself. And I do that lots.
But now no more of that. No more closing my blinds or changing the channel when I see people who are dying and in great need like in Haiti. No more ignoring the hurt, broken and dying. Sometimes it seems pretty dim as far as hope goes. But I won't give up. There is more I can do, more we can do, besides just breathing. There are lots of hurting people in need. You and I have something to offer. Really. Will you BE THE CHANGE you want to see?
If you've made it this far, thanks, and you win a million points from me. I know I write a lot, a bit too much, but this has just been going around in my head for a bit. Don't settle for anything less than your dreams. It takes one person to make a difference and start change. Be that person.
Alexandra of course...
Today for example I realized that one of my pet peeves are scratchy, phlegmy voices. My family is going through another basic flu or something and their voices can annoy me at times. Uhh it makes me just want to take over their body so I can clear their throat for them. I hear that's bad for you voice, but spit it out already! I now understand the saying "frog in your throat". Ew. So don't talk to me if your voice is like that... Please.
Although I do enjoy learning stuff about myself, self-reflection is not all fine and dandy. You know the famous quote Uncle Ben told Peter Parker in Spider-man "with great power comes great responsibility"? Well I think it's the same kind of idea with self-reflection. It's one thing to realize the things you struggle with and want to change in your life, it's another thing to actually live it.
There's a song by Ingrid Michealson that touches on this. I really like her voice and the repetition of her choruses, and there's this one song in particular that gets me called "Keep breathing". Some of the lines get me however, and it's sad because I know it's true for myself.
In essence the song:
The storm is calming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing now
I want to change the world, instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now
The youth ministry that I volunteer at has been coming up with these shirts for the past year and a bit. Their main quote is "because I believe the change must begin with me". I have both of the shirts we've come out with and I wear them pretty frequently. Unfortunatly I've forgotten what that quote means, what it stands for and I've found that they've just become other t-shirts in my wardrobe, instead of being reminders of why and how I should live my life. That's pretty lame.
The thing about change is that it's not easy, you have to do something to get there. You can't just stay in your comfort zone and be stuck where you are. From dictionary.com:
"To CHANGE is to make a material difference so that the thing is distinctly different from what it was." I want this to be my standard. To live a life that's different from what mass media and culture says it should be "because I believe the change must begin with me".
But the majority of the time we fail at this. I hate how people say one thing, and live another. One of my professors refered to this as a dissonance in philosophy and practice (life), how they don't connect when they really should. His example was in the Human Services field. He spoke of how it didn't make sense if we as students were studying to become drug and alcohol advisors for youth while we were getting hammered on the weekends ourselves. That spoke to me. But lately it's been challenging me as well. Doing nothing about the things I believe or see as wrong in the world is just as bad. Having certain standards in faith and beliefs while living a life that doesn't reflect them is wrong itself. And I do that lots.
But now no more of that. No more closing my blinds or changing the channel when I see people who are dying and in great need like in Haiti. No more ignoring the hurt, broken and dying. Sometimes it seems pretty dim as far as hope goes. But I won't give up. There is more I can do, more we can do, besides just breathing. There are lots of hurting people in need. You and I have something to offer. Really. Will you BE THE CHANGE you want to see?
If you've made it this far, thanks, and you win a million points from me. I know I write a lot, a bit too much, but this has just been going around in my head for a bit. Don't settle for anything less than your dreams. It takes one person to make a difference and start change. Be that person.
Alexandra of course...
Monday, January 18, 2010
Boyfriend blazers, boyfriend jeans and other trends in culture that remind me I'm single...
I need to find another passtime. It seems that whenever I go out for a drive to "practice" (yea, that's a whole other story) or have some extra time on my hands I end up at the mall. And sure I can say all I want about not spending money and how I'll just be window-shopping, but the truth of the matter is that when I walk out the doors there is some bag in my hand or objects in my purse that required some cash burning (no I don't sneak things in my bag, I just try not to use plastic bags. Be GREEN people!).
It's not just the spending money part that gets me though. It's the trends that are coming up and the terms they use for these new must-have wardrobe pieces. Yes, I am talking about the boyfriend blazer, which I am actually so into, and boyfriend jeans, the whole adrogynous look. There seems to be little distinction between girl and guy fashions. IT'S INSANE! But maybe I'm biased. Not just because more than half the guys out there can pull off the skinny jean or them v-necks better than I can, but it all reminds me that I'm single.
I have a headache right now and it got me thinking of that song Ingrid Michealson sings. "Your head is aching, I'll make it better". And I just thought that I have no one to sing that song to me. Yes, emo time with Alexandra. Excuse me while I go write a poem about it.
That's better. Ha, no but seriously. It's a smart marketing strategy. Targetting the single and naive ladies, selling this piece of clothing to replace the role of a man in their lives, my life. I don't see any girlfriend jeans... or maybe I do... haha.
Nontheless I guess that proves someone's not ready for a relationship. I mean if you're basing your whole worth on some guy to fulfill you, then maybe a relationship isn't something you should be looking for. The way I see it, personally I'd rather be confident in who I am as a person, single and all, before I get myself into a relationship. They're both ways, give and
take. If I'm being needy all the time requiring validation then I'm puting little into the relationship and taking so much. That's where relationships fail, or so I've seen.
So for now I'll take a boyfriend blazer or two, not because of the name but because I'm digging the style. And to all the single ladies: now put your hands up... in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care!
I thought that was clever... Haha. Yup single life can be awesomely amusing, and awkward. No, just me? Well, I'll take it!
Alexandra of course... XD
It's not just the spending money part that gets me though. It's the trends that are coming up and the terms they use for these new must-have wardrobe pieces. Yes, I am talking about the boyfriend blazer, which I am actually so into, and boyfriend jeans, the whole adrogynous look. There seems to be little distinction between girl and guy fashions. IT'S INSANE! But maybe I'm biased. Not just because more than half the guys out there can pull off the skinny jean or them v-necks better than I can, but it all reminds me that I'm single.
I have a headache right now and it got me thinking of that song Ingrid Michealson sings. "Your head is aching, I'll make it better". And I just thought that I have no one to sing that song to me. Yes, emo time with Alexandra. Excuse me while I go write a poem about it.
That's better. Ha, no but seriously. It's a smart marketing strategy. Targetting the single and naive ladies, selling this piece of clothing to replace the role of a man in their lives, my life. I don't see any girlfriend jeans... or maybe I do... haha.
Nontheless I guess that proves someone's not ready for a relationship. I mean if you're basing your whole worth on some guy to fulfill you, then maybe a relationship isn't something you should be looking for. The way I see it, personally I'd rather be confident in who I am as a person, single and all, before I get myself into a relationship. They're both ways, give and
take. If I'm being needy all the time requiring validation then I'm puting little into the relationship and taking so much. That's where relationships fail, or so I've seen.
So for now I'll take a boyfriend blazer or two, not because of the name but because I'm digging the style. And to all the single ladies: now put your hands up... in the air and wave 'em like you just don't care!
I thought that was clever... Haha. Yup single life can be awesomely amusing, and awkward. No, just me? Well, I'll take it!
Alexandra of course... XD
Friday, January 1, 2010
Hello world, this is me
So I am a chicken. I started this back in, oh who knows when. I believe I wrote my very first blog and got it out there, but after a day or too chickened out and deleted it. However with the new year Ithough t why not start it up again?
I don't know why I'm so scared of posting or leaving things I write up... I guess it's just so easy for me to write, in a personal way, that when I start thinking about who might see it I end up freaking myself out. But I'm going to work on that this year. Is this one of my New year's resolutions? More like goal of my life. That goes with less procrastination, reading more, staying on top of homework, waking up earlier, budgeting... oh the list goes on. Ha.
You'd think that since I'm a college student I'd be all about voicing myself and sticking up for what I believe. Well, to tell the truth, I like the idea but I'm working on actually living up to it. I'm not the avid activist kind of student, I mean I was even a college drop out last year after my first year as a social sciences wanderer. Tangent? I think not. It just all explains why I've decided to take this opportunity to make some inniative for change at the beginning of this fresh new year of 2010.
So let's be brave and honest and put it all out on the table.
Hi, I'm Alexandra if you didn't know. I go to college part-time and work as a nanny on my off days, or whenever it works. I'm into tea, acoustic guitars, chill music, man glasses, aquiring books that I will read in the far future, Jane Austen, musicals, and informercials. I'm such a dabbler in my hobbies, jumping from one to the other then back, and therefore don't develop any of them very far. These include sewing, painting, playing guitar, knitting and making vidoes.
I'm Canadian and full-blooded Filipino. Yes, I do have the best of both worlds and am glad for it. I've been very blessed so far with the life I've been given and I can't wait for this year to start rolling. Well it already has, hasn't? I'm excited for the year ahead and what's to come. I can feel change coming and the arrival of 2010 has just made it that much more exciting!
So what to expect? Well I was also inspired by my friend Shayne who started this 365 Project where she's going to take a picture every day of the year. I've also seen other examples on YouTube of people making a video every day for 2009, SOTC365 was the guy I followed. This has inspired a new trend in that world. It's pretty amazing. Not just the fact that these people are sharing parts of their life, but also the fact that you actually do so a change in them by the end. A change in editing skills, more creative ideas, gain of camera/lighting knowledge, and an overall change in character.
And what are my hopes for this? Well I don't plan to write every day, but at least once a week. I do get these ideas at night, start them in my head, and get mad at myself for not writing them down and sharing with others. I know I'm not the most amazing writer and I'm young at my opinions, but I believe everyone has a story to tell that's worth hearing. So I'll share bits of mine.
Happy New Year and welcome to the year 2010! It will be a good one!
Alexandra of course...
I don't know why I'm so scared of posting or leaving things I write up... I guess it's just so easy for me to write, in a personal way, that when I start thinking about who might see it I end up freaking myself out. But I'm going to work on that this year. Is this one of my New year's resolutions? More like goal of my life. That goes with less procrastination, reading more, staying on top of homework, waking up earlier, budgeting... oh the list goes on. Ha.
You'd think that since I'm a college student I'd be all about voicing myself and sticking up for what I believe. Well, to tell the truth, I like the idea but I'm working on actually living up to it. I'm not the avid activist kind of student, I mean I was even a college drop out last year after my first year as a social sciences wanderer. Tangent? I think not. It just all explains why I've decided to take this opportunity to make some inniative for change at the beginning of this fresh new year of 2010.
So let's be brave and honest and put it all out on the table.
Hi, I'm Alexandra if you didn't know. I go to college part-time and work as a nanny on my off days, or whenever it works. I'm into tea, acoustic guitars, chill music, man glasses, aquiring books that I will read in the far future, Jane Austen, musicals, and informercials. I'm such a dabbler in my hobbies, jumping from one to the other then back, and therefore don't develop any of them very far. These include sewing, painting, playing guitar, knitting and making vidoes.
I'm Canadian and full-blooded Filipino. Yes, I do have the best of both worlds and am glad for it. I've been very blessed so far with the life I've been given and I can't wait for this year to start rolling. Well it already has, hasn't? I'm excited for the year ahead and what's to come. I can feel change coming and the arrival of 2010 has just made it that much more exciting!
So what to expect? Well I was also inspired by my friend Shayne who started this 365 Project where she's going to take a picture every day of the year. I've also seen other examples on YouTube of people making a video every day for 2009, SOTC365 was the guy I followed. This has inspired a new trend in that world. It's pretty amazing. Not just the fact that these people are sharing parts of their life, but also the fact that you actually do so a change in them by the end. A change in editing skills, more creative ideas, gain of camera/lighting knowledge, and an overall change in character.
And what are my hopes for this? Well I don't plan to write every day, but at least once a week. I do get these ideas at night, start them in my head, and get mad at myself for not writing them down and sharing with others. I know I'm not the most amazing writer and I'm young at my opinions, but I believe everyone has a story to tell that's worth hearing. So I'll share bits of mine.
Happy New Year and welcome to the year 2010! It will be a good one!
Alexandra of course...
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