You think you know me but you have no idea...

Lately it's been boggling my mind how much I don't know a lot of people any more. This is especially true for people who I went to highschool and graduated with. So weird. It's funny how in highschool that was pretty much my life. School. Didn't really hang much with friends outside of school till grade 12, 11 maybe, a bit of 10? And sure I went to church, but that was only on Sundays and throughout highschool I had my falling out with doubts and stuff. So school was pretty much life. No wonder those years were sometimes so lonely and seemed like a waste. Still it's crazy how you can spend hours each day with people for how many years and yet not know them fully because it's only in one setting that you see them. And now I don't really know many of them at all.

It's funny, seems like a find a lot of things funny, but I remember my sister telling me in grade 11 how I won't hang with or know most of my friends after graduation. I told myself that would never be us. Yet to this day it's totally true. It makes you think about those who've really stuck around your life and the effort you put into the realtionships that matter most to you. Well that's my thinking. Here I am, living in a comfortable size of a city, not big at all, with most of my graduating classmates within a 45 minute drive. But do I make the effort? No. I guess we've just all accepted it. I hope there's no view of animosity in it or anything. That's just life. One of the other adult volunteers for the Youth ministry I'm part of says this quote a lot: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime..." And I believe this is true. Doesn't mean that the friendship has to end badly; sometimes (actually, a lot of them) they just end.

Wow, it will be three years since I graduated come this June. I'd like to think that I'm older and wiser, that I've changed and grown in character into a better person. And I believe I have. I'd like to think that others have this same observation of me as well. But I can see how after having seen eachother for so long, we can get stuck on viewing people as we last remember them. I know I get stuck there. But I can't do that. There's this person engaged, that girl making music, that guy moved away, this one no one even knows where they are at these days and so on. And even through my aim of being real and transparent, I know that I have my own secrets and other sides of my life that not everyone knows about. Nothing bad or anything. Just stuff that I'm less willing to share. Does this mean I'm two-faced? Am I living a lie? Maybe... Or maybe it just shows the truth that each relationship I have with different people are all unique and specific to their own norms and habbits. Still there are definitely some parts of me I wish I weren't as chicken to share, especially with my closer friends and family. I feel like I've hinted at things or even said it bluntly, but they don't hear me. Hmmm... I suppose a sit down and talk is a must.

No, I don't tell everyone my whole life. But for close friends and family I don't understand why I can't trust them with parts of me that I can share with strangers. That's a messed idea of trust. Am I just making this a bigger deal then it actually is? I'm thinking so. Uhh... You will see the lamest side of me yet. But since I'm putting it out there I'm not fully ashamed of it... except with those closest to me?...

I sound crazy. But it makes sense in my head. That doesn't help. But you don't really know me so that explains that...




                Alexandra of course... O_0?