Friday, April 16, 2010

Exams... :\

Today will be my first exam of my first year in the Child and Youth Care program. This is going to be the hardest. Even though it's an introduction to therapy theories, there are 11 of them.

Could I have studied more? Of course.
Am I an expert at all 11 of the theories? Not at all.
WIll I give up? No. I know what I know, the rest I don't. But no use cramming an hour before the exam.

I just can't wait to get this done. I don't feel like a failure right now, nor do I feel super confident like I got this in the bag. Kinda feeling... what's the word, indifferent?... Like, MEH. I"ll get it done and then I'll be done with it. Hopefully I won't have to revisit that class. Sure it's helpful as well as a bit overwhelming. But no use killing myself over it now...

Feels weird. This is my first exam after my year long hiatus from school. I didn't have one last semester, just papers and projects. We shall see what this will bring.

Moral of the story: don't procrastinate. Do your homework, readings and all. Have a study schedule, and stick to it, take yourself away from distractions. Finally, learn how you study best. I feel like I don't know how to study yet. In highschool you just memorize and regugitate what the teacher and textbook says most of the time. University, not so much.

Well, like I said, I will get this done and see what comes of it. I will hope for the best, but know that I will not pass with flying colors. Maybe paler, less vibrant colors. Uh, what happened to me? In my first year at college 2 years ago I was at the top of my Psychology class. Well people change. Here's to doing it different next time around. And after this I have 2 more exams to study more. Silly me, not learning from my mistakes... That ends now!

              a meh-feeling Alexandra of course...

Friday, March 26, 2010

You think you know me but you have no idea...

Lately it's been boggling my mind how much I don't know a lot of people any more. This is especially true for people who I went to highschool and graduated with. So weird. It's funny how in highschool that was pretty much my life. School. Didn't really hang much with friends outside of school till grade 12, 11 maybe, a bit of 10? And sure I went to church, but that was only on Sundays and throughout highschool I had my falling out with doubts and stuff. So school was pretty much life. No wonder those years were sometimes so lonely and seemed like a waste. Still it's crazy how you can spend hours each day with people for how many years and yet not know them fully because it's only in one setting that you see them. And now I don't really know many of them at all.

It's funny, seems like a find a lot of things funny, but I remember my sister telling me in grade 11 how I won't hang with or know most of my friends after graduation. I told myself that would never be us. Yet to this day it's totally true. It makes you think about those who've really stuck around your life and the effort you put into the realtionships that matter most to you. Well that's my thinking. Here I am, living in a comfortable size of a city, not big at all, with most of my graduating classmates within a 45 minute drive. But do I make the effort? No. I guess we've just all accepted it. I hope there's no view of animosity in it or anything. That's just life. One of the other adult volunteers for the Youth ministry I'm part of says this quote a lot: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime..." And I believe this is true. Doesn't mean that the friendship has to end badly; sometimes (actually, a lot of them) they just end.

Wow, it will be three years since I graduated come this June. I'd like to think that I'm older and wiser, that I've changed and grown in character into a better person. And I believe I have. I'd like to think that others have this same observation of me as well. But I can see how after having seen eachother for so long, we can get stuck on viewing people as we last remember them. I know I get stuck there. But I can't do that. There's this person engaged, that girl making music, that guy moved away, this one no one even knows where they are at these days and so on. And even through my aim of being real and transparent, I know that I have my own secrets and other sides of my life that not everyone knows about. Nothing bad or anything. Just stuff that I'm less willing to share. Does this mean I'm two-faced? Am I living a lie? Maybe... Or maybe it just shows the truth that each relationship I have with different people are all unique and specific to their own norms and habbits. Still there are definitely some parts of me I wish I weren't as chicken to share, especially with my closer friends and family. I feel like I've hinted at things or even said it bluntly, but they don't hear me. Hmmm... I suppose a sit down and talk is a must.

No, I don't tell everyone my whole life. But for close friends and family I don't understand why I can't trust them with parts of me that I can share with strangers. That's a messed idea of trust. Am I just making this a bigger deal then it actually is? I'm thinking so. Uhh... You will see the lamest side of me yet. But since I'm putting it out there I'm not fully ashamed of it... except with those closest to me?...

I sound crazy. But it makes sense in my head. That doesn't help. But you don't really know me so that explains that...

                Alexandra of course... O_0?

Monday, March 15, 2010

Daylight Savings: you're not my favorite...

So usually I have nothing to say about Daylight Savings besides how I could feel that one hour gone. Turning our clocks forward this last Saturday was a little different.

I had gone to sleep a little later than intended. My mind was going haywire when it should have been shutting down for sleep. I wrote an entry on here, yes another long winded, deep one, but that still didn't get all the junk outta my head that was preventing me from sleep. Nevertheless, I still tried to catch some Z's, especially since Cheaky was sleeping on my room and I didn't want to wake her up with my laptop light from Facebooking or checking out YouTube. Yes, that's what I do to waste time, besides trying to finish a Jane Austen book.

So there I was pretty much waiting to go to sleep. And of course that never works. Around 1:30 while I was still lying there waiting for sleep, Cheakers was having a bad dream and started wimpering. I swear, it's like children go through a phase of having bad dreams and wake up screaming. But she settled down and woke up to go to the bathroom.

Another half hour goes. I'm still waiting. My brain continued to not shut down. Then at around 2AM with Daylight Savings in effect Cheakers get's up and stops just outside my door. I start hearing this noise, like water was being poured out onto the carpet. Crap. That's not good. I waited till she was done.

"Awwhhh, Cheaky, did you puke?"

I knew it when I heard it. And there it was. A lovely pile of chunky pink stuff. I must say I was impressed at first. I didn't think a little girl that size could could throw up that much. And it was pink! But then I see realized the reality. I had to clean that up. I could have easily woken up my mom. Or not easily, but that would have been the bratty thing to do. Instead I made sure Cheakers finished up in the toilet, was good. She was brave. She got it done then went back to sleep. I would have cried for my mom.

Next to do was to clean it up. Especially being next to my door I wanted to do it well. And there it was. A pile of a cheeseburger Happy Meal with frutopia of course. I'm assuming that gave it the color. Of course I couldn't just use my ShamWow to soak it all up. It was pretty chunky. So what else to use besides a bowl and a wooden spoon? Yup that's how I got 'er done. I must say, this process almost ended up with me contributing some of my own dinner to Cheaky's lovely pile. But I prevailed. And after flushing that stuff down the toilet I had the various nice-smelling cleaners to block most of the acidic smell while scrubbing the carpet.

By the time I was done scrubbing, the pink stuff was gone and my carpet stunk of cleaning solution and badly needed some air drying. So I left to to that and went to bed. The eventful morning event had done the job and I was overall done for the day. Of course it was quarter to 4AM by the time I was done. I couldn't help but end my day with an update to Facebook:

Alexandra P...Test #167: how to deal with a puking child and their chunky pink puke at 2AM when daylight savings is in effect. The answer does not include waking Mom up or a shamwow. It requires a bowl, spoon, goodsmelling cleaning spray, lots of scrubbing and new pj pants   *Note: you do NOT want to see pink on the carpet in the morning

Daylight Savings, you're a punk. But I guess all in all we're the ones who made you and in the end it makes for an interesting story... Oh and I guess McDonald's should be avoided at all times.

             Alexandra of course...

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Playing the game of Life...

Tonight I babysat, well more so hung out with a 6 year old. An awesome 6 year old by the way. She brought me an apple pie from McD's (hadn't had one in forever) as well as the game of Life. Of course we played the game after our pie and with Jukebox Oldie's playing in the background. Ahh the good old days, well beyond my time...

It's been a while since I played Life (no pun or deep meaning intended, but on second thought...). So it was a game that took longer than it could since I was actually reading the instructions as we went along. Hey, if you're gonna play, you play it fair... unless it's not that kinda game... but most games have rules right?

So we played the game, put our pink ppl in the driving seat in their cars, hers on the left, mine on the right (my game self lived in England...), and off we went. Naturally we both advocated for the advantage of college, or more so she demanded it be the route we take, and I couldn't refuse education. And there we were playing life.

It's kind of scary how we are socialized to think certain things, like what a normal life is. We, or I can see how I sometimes get hung up on rules or systems; like go to school, finish school, get a job in some sort of successful career field, make the moneys (yes, moneys), get married, buy a house (no living with parents when married! that is one of my goals), babies!, move, career change? (mid-life crisis?), pay for children as they start life, get ready for retirement, then retire. Well that's what I learn from the game. And I'm not gonna lie, I like systems when I see thier use. I have this system with our plates and bowls in the cupboards, it annoys me to see it messed with. But sometimes we do need to throw the instruction manual out the window, especially if they're written by other people who don't see or know all the different paths of life there actually are.

But I can get hung up on rules and expectations. I didn't have babies in the game. I didn't land on any "it's a boy" or "it's a girl". And I noticed it right away. Cheekers told me it was okay, there were lots of spaces and chances to get a baby, they were just spread out. But later on I realized that I was near retiring. I have to say, I worked up myself more than I should of about not having children. But Cheekers didn't have any too. "Ah well," she said. "It's not real life."

No it is not. But that got me thinking. We do have these ideals of how our lives will turn out, how we want or expect them to. Whether they're learned from society or family I think to some degree we all have them. But life's a mystery, a surprise. You never know what can become of it till... well, it actually happens.

I think of one of my aunties who's single. I love my Auntie, she's awesome. She used to live with us and taught me how to make some awesome banana bread (which I've forgotten, lame point) and she's one of the best cooks/bakers I know. I remember her making a home made pizza once from scratch, crust and all, and it was kick butt. She has the most genuine laugh ever and does not hold back when she finds something funny. I love her for that.

These past few years I've been able to have more grown up talks with her which I love and make me appreciate her more. She lives life as full as she can and yes, she's single. She doesn't let that hold her back in any way. She still fills her life with people she loves and who love her back. She's a fighter, oh boy, listening to her stories of when she used to work in McDonald's after she immigrated here just make me laugh. I love that about her. Yes, I love my Auntie. This is where I would insert a smiley face.

And so, realizing how I do have these expectations of life, I do realize that I can't contain my life in these boxes till the next one comes around. My childhood friend (wow, we can actually call eachother that) gave me this quote to put on my wall that says "color outside the lines". And its true, I need that reminder sometimes. That's one thing I strive for. To be who I am, not different for the sake of being different, but to genuinely be me, not conforming to other's ideals. Oh Life, how you bring such mystery and learning. I like it, most of the time, eventually...

           Alexandra of course...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Dear Diary: Sad stories break my Heart. But happy endings are possible... Right?

Learning about storming and self-awareness in school I've realized that I'm one to run away from conflict. That goes literally sometimes. Examples? Okay, if I must. Take two Saturdays ago. My parents have a had a Bible study going since I was in school probably. It's international, which pretty much means anyone who is interested is welcome to come, so we've had lots of people from such different backgrounds and life history come into our home. I used to take it for granted and I can still be a brat about it now, especially, when I see the toilet seat up in MY bathroom... But I do see the value in it all.

Back to the point. I find that some people who come need fellowship, badly, more so they need someone to hear their story, like their overall life story and where they've come from. And man, have they been places and experienced things in their lives. It amazes me to see where they are from where they've been. This one night a lady was talking to us about her life. I don't know if it's just my fear of love and marriage and broken love and broken marriage, but her story was heart breaking. She spoke of how she was swooped off her feet by some charming boy at the young age of 16. A year later she was still with him and they married as he graduated, while she was too young to and therefore didn't finish her highschool education. In the end he ended up being a cheater, a womanizer and they divorced 20 years later with some children in the mix. She claimed he had stolen her best years, and how her children's view on her were hurt as well which had contributed to her struggle with depression in the past.  

She went on about the disfunctions and hurt about her past life. I honestly couldn't take more. It was too real, too heart breaking to hear her tell her story all laid out infront of me by her personally. She wasn't crying because she had accepted it and dealt with it all long ago, but I was about to. I excused myself and went to my room for the rest of the night.

How rude! I know! But call me an idealist, I believe in eventual happy endings. Lately I've been hearing stories that are so sad. Is it wrong to hope for better? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak? I think not. Their stories aren't done yet. And they have survived so far, I don't believe their past has to define where they're going or affect who they are today unless they let it. But still. So sad.

Another reality check. My dad has is in this ministry where he visits sailors at our city's port and share the Gospel with them. It's pretty amazing, and he can relate since he came out of the Philippines with that job. It's amazing the stuff you learn about your parents if you just ask, or even listen sometimes. But yes.

These guys leave their families and loved ones for weeks on end, sometimes even months, for their jobs. It broke my heart a bit to think that this one guy who was a classmate of my Dad's back in sailor school (?) still does the job to this day leaving his family every time. I'm no seaman or anything, but I'm sure they run into some rough waters. My heart saddened a bit too, seeing these guys in our living room on their huge laptops skyping with their families or on phones, or waiting to use our phone to talk a bit with anyone back home. That's when I know there is some use to technology, besides wasting endless hours with all its various forms. Still, I see this sort of job like a waiting game, but it's constant and all the time. You're either waiting to get back home, or when home essentially waiting till it's time to go back to sea. I don't know if I could stand that as a wife. And here I thought it was pretty tough when my Dad would have shifts that lasted a week or two when he worked the Prince Rupert- Upper Island route. I need to remember to count my many blessings. Or at least start thinking about them when I feel down. 

So what's to learn from all this?
1: I don't like conflict including sad stories. I guess it just reminds me that hey, it can happen to anybody, even me.
2: I have to stop using these stories as an excuse to not live life or give people chances. Yes, there are crappy people out there, but there are also amazing people out there. In the end both can affect my life for the better through lessons learned from experiences and relationships gained. The past does not have to define ANYONE.
3: I need to hear, even seek out, people's stories. You never know what sort of life lessons, hardships, horrors, redemption and healing people have gone through unless you ask and listen. Not just to hear that they are saying words, but listen to and understand the meaning that their words hold.

I know this world has lots of suckiness in it. Terrible word. Still, I believe in the end there is hope. And that hope should out-weigh the suckiness in this place called Earth. What do we do? We start living it. So you want to change the world? What are you waiting for? It starts with one voice, one life. Will that be you?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it lasts forever, Friendship never ends

Thank you Spice Girls. Though I don't fully get your lyrics, I like the importance of friends expressed through them...

Yes, I steal all my lines from music and movies. There is no other way for my words to make sense. I especially like quoting from She's the Man. It's just fun and something I started with my sister. Oh Moesha, though we are 8 years apart at times it doens't feel like it... haha.

Speaking of people I love, I love my friends. Yes, I do. I don't believe in having only shallow friendship, though those will come and go. So I'm pretty happy that I have some deeply routed friendships. Yes, I have people who I wouldn't drop out of my life any time soon by choice, and conversely I'd have a broken heart if they'd one day stop taking my tiring lameness and cut me out of their lives. SO DON'T DO IT EVER!

Wow, that was intense. But I don't see it coming any time soon. I'm slowly realizing that I'm the weird friend. I can be pretty lame at times with my many attempts to be trendy and failing, I'm pretty dependent ( My Mom just asked my friend behind my back today if she could give me a ride tomorrow. So highschool!) and it goes on yea. I keep on taking out my fake man-glasses and sit in the passenger seat. And yet they all still love me. If not, well they're good at lying then and have stuck around so long for nothing. But since they stick around I believe they're getting something from me, right? Relationships no matter the kind are two way, they must be or else they fail.

Now don't get me wrong, I do appreciate and am thankful for friends of the past. I've had a journal (or diary turned journal) since ever and I've kept some memories of people I don't know any more. But in that time and moment they were my friends and I learned something from them that I still carry today. So they have affected my life. And of course I have people in my life now, that will possibly, most likely due to life leave me and I may never see again. But for now they are here and I am thankful for them.

Still I believe in having friends who will be there forever. Some friends you just know. But that doesn't mean you take them for granted. I think that's the worst thing you can do to those good friendships. I've done it, but I don't intend to anymore. Yes, when I was in highschool I attempted to be hardcore and make friends with the new girl with the bad attitude while abandoning my friends. In short I learned how to swear, became angry at life, hated church and had almost no relationship with Jesus besides a bitter one, listened to music I have little tolerance for today and had no friends. I was angry and alone. When I finally was tired of that I cut the act and went back to my real friends. They took me like nothing had happened. And since then I believe we've come so much closer, and I am so thankful they took me back after being a jerk. 

I spent a few days of my reading break with these friends from highschool. I wrote in my journal how I hoped it would be good. Not like old times, but new and better times. And it was. We've grown-up, made decisions in life and are different from those days. But that's inevitable. Some of them are done school and have jobs, careers, and yet they took the time to spend a few days for us to be together and be as silly or serious as we wanted. Oh and we a had a good balance of both.

While away and having such a good time with them I couldn't help but be reminded of the verse that says "every good and perfect gift comes from above.." James 1:17 I just found out. It blows my mind how the God of heaven, the Father of lights, creator of the universe loves me so much that He made this beautiful place called Earth for me to live in, providing beautiful Canadian West Coast for me to look out, and placing amazing people in my life to show me some degree of this love. And oh boy, how I am loved. So today, yes, I am thankful for friends. Friends from school, those who've I've had a long history with, those who I am just starting to get to know better, those who I've grown up with, those who I've lost contact with in the past and who I've created new improved relationships with, and those who know my secrets. I don't believe I have to see my friends every day. I just know that with my close friends I've had experiences with them that have shaped who I am today and they are the people who know me best. And with that I end on a musical note with lyrics from Wicked- For Good:

        Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better. Because I knew you, I have been changed for good...

To my friends, I hope you know that I love you all so much. I'm excited for what the future has for us. Can't wait for those tupperware parties!


  Alexandra of course....

p.s. go check out the song For Good- from Wicked the musical. It makes me weep in a good way. It is one of my ultimate friend songs... XD

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Will You Be There - Helping Haiti (Boyce Avenue cover)

In my last blog I talked about changing the world and one way is giving to Haiti, which we all know has faced some harsh devestation in the last few weeks. I wanted to post this but didn't know how. And now I do. Enjoy the song, I think they did a beautiful rendition, along with some touching photos of those in Haiti. The texting numbers are there and different ways to give... Just watch it.

Boyce Avenue has a special place in my heart. They're one of the reasons why I got hooked onto Youtube, and they're first out of country tour was in the Philippines! Enough said. Check them out.

 Again, if you can, give. Every little bit helps. Lets not forget the need over there just because we don't have to see the aftermath daily. Truth is they are living in it. We are super blessed her in North America, or wherever you are. The way I see it, I don't deserve this life anymore than the next person. So lets share the wealth.

                   Alexandra of course...